5 Stages of a Dying Marriage – Signs to Watch For & How to Fix It

Table of Contents

Introduction

Are you witnessing the stages of a dying marriage? You may be noticing more bickering, frustration, and disconnection creeping in lately. If this is your relationship, don’t worry – you’re not alone! Even the strongest couples go through rough patches over the years.

Some telltale signs and the stages of a dying marriage indicate whether a relationship is in a rut or heading towards serious trouble. Have you noticed these behaviors, from initial disappointments building up to harsh Criticism becoming the norm to completely shutting your partner out emotionally and physically?

If so, it’s essential to recognize what stage you’re in before it’s too late. The good news is that no matter how far things have strayed, countless marriages have been saved and reignited after the stages of a dying marriage. By catching the signs early and getting quality marriage counseling, you can rebuild that loving, rock-solid bond you once had.

Q: What are the stages of a dying marriage?

A: The stages typically include disappointments, criticism/contempt, the cycle of defensiveness, stonewalling, and the Dissolution Stage.

1. The Little Disappointments That Can Start to Hurt

Do you know that feeling when your spouse does something that disappoints you? Maybe they forgot to take out the trash (again), or they zoned out while you were talking instead of listening. At the moment, it is no big deal. You brush it off because no marriage is perfect, right?

But after a while, all those little disappointing moments can start adding up and weighing you down. What began as a few trivial frustrations can snowball into deep-rooted disappointment about the state of your marriage.

Here are some signs you may be in the disappointment stage:

Feeling constantly let down by broken promises or mistakes (big and small)
Having a mental list of unmet expectations – about money, chores, intimacy, you name it
Pulling away emotionally or just going through the motions
Bottling up frustrations instead of voicing them
Getting hung up on every flaw or annoying habit

There can be all sorts of reasons why couples start feeling disappointed – like unrealistic expectations, poor communication habits, growing apart over time, or a general lack of effort. Sometimes, there’s even a breach of trust through disrespect or dishonesty.

Whatever the cause, disappointment is nothing to ignore or brush off. The more it festers, the more toxic resentment can build up and push you apart.

The best thing to do is have an open, honest conversation about your disappointments—and do it sooner rather than later. Voice your dissatisfactions gently using “I” statements, but be ready to listen to your spouse’s side, too. You may realize some expectations were unfair or there were misunderstandings.

The goal isn’t to play the blame game but to get on the same page and work through the disappointments together. Be willing to compromise, let the little things go, and try to improve. With empathy and understanding from both sides, many marriages can recover from the disappointment stage.

Q: How do you know if your marriage is dying?

A: Signs may include increased conflict, lack of communication, emotional withdrawal, and contemplating separation or divorce.

reed more forUnderstanding Conflict Styles in Relationships: A Guide to Effective Problem Solving

2. When Criticism Turns to Contempt: A Disturbing and Venomous Shift in the Stages of a Dying Marriage.

Suppose you’ve found yourselves moving from the Disappointment Stage into outright Criticism of one another. In that case, your marriage has entered the dangerous territory stages of a dying marriage. Criticism can breed contempt, and contempt is like pouring acid into your relationship.

Criticism involves attacking someone’s character or personality rather than just addressing the behavior. It’s one thing to say, “I feel hurt when you don’t follow through on your word.” It’s another to say, “You’re just a liar who never does what you say.”

Contempt goes even further when you treat your spouse with disrespect, mockery, and scorn. Insults, name-calling, hostile body language like eye-rolling, and condescending statements all qualify as contemptuous acts that eat away at the foundation of your marriage.

The Effects of Criticism and Contempt:

It’s incredibly damaging when your partner is critical and contemptuous towards you. You start feeling rejected, worthless, and torn down as a person. You lose respect for them, and the love slowly dies.

These dynamics in relationships allow resentments to fester and build even higher walls of defensiveness between you. Pretty soon, you may start noticing other toxic stages of a dying marriage – both partners always finding excuses and deflecting any personal responsibility.

If Criticism and contempt aren’t stopped, emotional abandonment and a lack of intimacy can eventually lead to even more destructive stages, like stonewalling or name-calling. That’s why it’s so crucial to address this stage head-on.

Tips for Breaking the Criticism/Contempt Cycle:

Practice building a “culture of appreciation” where you appreciate small, nice things your spouse does
Complain about behaviors you’d like to change rather than attacking their character.
Make a concerted effort to speak to each other respectfully, without harsh put-downs or sarcasm.
Consider seeking marriage counseling to learn healthier communication techniques.
For every negative interaction, try to have five positive ones to counteract the negativity.

The criticism/contempt stage can spell serious trouble, but it doesn’t have to mean your marriage is doomed. Many couples can successfully move past this stage with a conscious effort to change the negative patterns and actively rebuild a culture of mutual understanding and respect.

3. The Defensiveness Stage: When Criticism Leads to Endless Excuses

One of the most toxic stages of a dying marriage is when partners get locked into a cycle of defensiveness. After being criticized and treated with contempt, it’s only natural to want to defend yourself. The problem is when it becomes an automatic reaction to everything.

Signs you’re stuck in the defensive stage include constantly making excuses, denying responsibility, and counter-blaming your spouse for things. An unhealthy mentality of “I’m right, you’re wrong” takes over all discussions.

Defensiveness prevents you from genuinely hearing each other out and taking accountability. It fuels more Criticism and negativity in return. Pretty soon, you’ve fallen into an insidious back-and-forth with neither partner feeling understood.

The best way to break out of the defensive cycle is to stop viewing your relationship through the lens of “keeping score” over who is right or more guilty. Drop the excuses and defenses, and strive to listen to your spouse’s perspective with an open mind and empathy.

4. The Stonewalling Stage: When You Shut Your Spouse Out Completely

If the defensiveness stage isn’t resolved, many couples enter one of the most damaging stages of a dying marriage—stonewalling. One or both partners start tuning out the other entirely by withdrawing and refusing to engage in any communication.

Stonewalling behaviors include shutting down, acting detached, giving silent treatment, or physically leaving during disagreements. It’s an attempt to self-protect from feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions and heated conflicts.

But stonewalling cuts off all emotional connection and intimacy in a marriage. Refusing to communicate makes your spouse feel abandoned and rejected, guaranteeing more distance in the relationship.

To re-engage a stonewalling spouse, you must change the negative communication patterns that led you both to this point. Consider seeking professional marriage counseling to develop healthier ways of discussing issues without one partner shutting down or fleeing.

The American Psychological Association’s guidance on marriage counseling, when it can help, and how to find the right counselor.

The sooner you can break out of these defensive and stonewalling habits, the better your chance of recovering your marriage before it enters the point of no return.

stages of a dying marriage5. The Dissolution Stage: The Make or Break Point for Your Marriage

The dissolution stage is the most critical stage of a dying marriage. At this point, the rift between you has grown so vast that little to no romantic love, intimacy, or commitment is left. You may even start discussing separation or divorce.

Signs your marriage has reached the dissolution stage include living essentially as roommates or single individuals, rarely communicating or engaging physically/emotionally, and a general apathy where neither partner seems willing to try anymore.

Suppose you’ve reached this stage. In that case, all the previous stages of Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and disconnection have been allowed to fester for too long without being addressed. The marriage is hanging by a thread.

This is the stage where emergency marriage counseling is crucial for any hope of reviving the relationship. Why does the dissolution stage so often lead to divorce? Because, at this point, you’ve likely checked out and given up trying to resolve the issues.

Reviving a Marriage After the Dissolution Stage:

While challenging, saving your marriage even after reaching the dissolution stage is still possible – but it requires a genuine restart and consistent hard work from both partners.

Weekly marriage counseling can provide the tools to relearn healthy communication, rebuild lost emotional intimacy, and rediscover why you fell in love in the first place. Different therapy methods, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method, can be very effective.

I commit fully to the process and put in daily effort outside counseling. This could mean regularly scheduling date nights, doing intimacy exercises at home, reading relationship books together, and developing new traditions as a couple.

Q: What is a highly recommended book that offers practical advice for revitalizing and strengthening marriages?

A: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman is one of the most highly regarded books on the subject.

Preventing Your Marriage from Hitting the Dissolution Stage:

Of course, it’s best if you can catch the signs of marital troubles much earlier before ever reaching the brink of the dissolution stage and potential divorce.

Happy couples prioritize quality time, adhere to boundaries and “relationship rules,” see a marriage counselor at the first sign of disconnection, and never let resentments go unaddressed. They keep rediscovering each other and nurturing intimacy.

By preventing the stages of a dying marriage from developing, you can keep your relationship strong, passionate, and built to withstand life’s inevitable ups and downs for years to come.

Q: What are the key steps to effectively navigate the stages of a dying marriage and save it from deterioration?

A:

Prioritize Open Communication: Establish a safe and open environment for discussing concerns and feelings with your partner.
Seek Professional Guidance: Consider couples therapy or counseling to gain insights and tools from trained professionals.
Address Underlying Issues: Identify and tackle the root causes of conflicts or disconnect within the relationship.
Rekindle Emotional Connection: Make efforts to reconnect emotionally through shared experiences, affection, and quality time.
Commit to Rebuilding: Both partners must invest time, effort, and patience to strengthen the relationship.

Outro:

No marriage is perfect, but identifying the stages of marital decline can help you get your relationship back on track before it’s too late. From the initial disappointment stage to the emotional disconnection of dissolution, every couple can work through these challenges with the right tools and commitment.

Please comment for me with any of the stages of a dying marriage discussed here. Seeking professional marriage counseling provides a judgment-free space to rebuild lost intimacy, relearn healthy communication, and rediscover the love that brought you together. It’s never too late to fight for your marriage and reignite that spark.

Remember, the most vital relationships prioritize quality time, honesty, teamwork, and consistently nurturing the romance. By being proactive about relationship maintenance and not letting resentments fester, you can prevent ever reaching a crisis point. Your marriage is worth the investment.